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Friday, 28 March 2014

Album #87 : Girls' Generation - The Boys


Girls' Generation
The Boys (2011)

Alright, look, I'm not gonna lie. A few people requested an album that would potentially score zero stars. I'm assuming this is because these albums are usually so bad that they allow a great deal of potential for mirth and joking. 

So you know what? I'm gonna give you what you want, because this month has been very short of albums that are, without a shadow of hyperbole, unadulterated crimes against nature, science and the universe. 

Today I'm reviewing The Boys, the third studio album by Korean all-girl pop sensations, Girls' Generation. Now, I must confess that I am already somewhat aware of their work. Two years ago, a few of my female students in Grade 6 were all over this group, and were obsessed with Korean culture because of them. A few mornings (at their urgings - this is what you do when you're a teacher, know your students) saw me tuning into PopAsia on SBS, watching unbearable K-Pop and J-Pop.

Let's see what these nine (yes, NINE) Korean pop starlets have to offer. I'm scared.

The Album

Allow me to begin my review with a series of images.





That accurately sums up the experience of listening to Girls' Generation. In fairness to them, I'm not the target market, but I'm going to try and objectively describe their music for you. 

It's overproduced, thumpingly upbeat synthesised dancepop. 

That's all it is.

Oh except for two songs, one of which I liked (My J, which is a very quirky, jaunty and fun little pop ditty with a very sweet melody.)

You'd think, even with this sugary pitch-perfect sappy sound, that this could be achieved by ten, maybe twenty people in total (excepting the nine vocalists).

Well according to the album credits, no fewer than 120 people worked on this album.

120. ON ONE ALBUM.

There are albums recorded by entire symphony orchestras that used less people.

If I were to grab for any other positives (and it'd be like finding a needle in the Andromeda Galaxy) I would say that there is some attempt in creating variety amongst the neverending sea of synthdancepop - Say Yes goes for a 60s vibe and is vaguely successful in challenging it, How Great Is Your Love is a charming little ballad featuring WIND CHIMES, and Oscar hints at a darker, moodier tone.

Oh also the nine girls are really good singers (at least, the ones who take lead vocals are).

That's it.

The Verdict

You know, I can barely muster the feeling to write this review. This music is not meant for me. It's not supposed to be consumed by 33 year old white dudes with families. I feel bad giving it such a harsh rating, and I feel bad making jokes about it because...well, unlike other albums I've savaged, it's just so unpretentious. It's just making fun music for kids who like fun things.

On an objective musical note though, it's just so mechanical. By that I mean the whole thing sounds so perfectly planned that there's no heart or feel. It is a prime example of music as mass-produced commodity. I can't in good conscience celebrate that - even some of the albums I've canned are at least someone trying to make some semblance of 'art'. This doesn't try. It doesn't want to.

In a word, it is meaningless.

My rating: half a star, because My J was, at least, a decent and fun tune to listen to

Standout Tracks

Um............

My J

Tomorrow, the latest release by British soul/blues vocal legend Joe 'My Dad Apparently Once Competed In A Joe Cocker Soundalike Contest And Did Quite Well' Cocker.....does he still have the chops? How many graters has he swallowed this century? Tomorrow, we find out!

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