The Eurovision Song Contest Super Special
Part One (2014)
Oh come on, you all knew this had to happen, right?
Eurovision is a guilty pleasure. There's something oddly comforting in the consistency of Eurovision - at least, the consistency in providing the cheesiest of musical experiences, as well as the sheer enjoyment of watching countries (particularly those in the Eastern Bloc) who are still trying to play catchup with the Western world, and are sending artists who are still stuck in 1995.
A recap of this year's contest was requested; I was already planning it but the request confirmed it needed to happen. For convenience I have split the 37 participating songs into two parts, based on finishing positions (the semi-final losers - yes, you read that correctly, the songs NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE FINAL OF EUROVISION) have been ranked based on points scored. Additionally, my reviewing will be different: each song will have a brief comment and a score out of 10.
Part One is today; Part Two will follow in a few days time because nobody should have to listen to 37 Eurovision songs straight through. Part One features songs 37 to 19. The scum of the competition. The lowest of the low. The shittiest songs according to the people of Europe.
Hold onto your hats.
The Songs And Verdicts And General Observations
37th - Cristina Scarlat (Moldova) with Wild Soul
You are the worst song in Eurovision 2014 for a reason. Your husky vocals and overblown synthesiser effects do not distract us from the boredom within. 2/10
36th - The Shin and Mariko (Georgia) with Three Minutes to Earth
I guess there's just no room at Eurovision for Georgian scat singing jazz. Which is a shame because this song features some very nice flamenco-style acoustic guitar work. Unfortunately apart from that and a key change there's not much happening. 6/10
35th - Mei Finegold (Israel) with Same Heart
Is it rock? Is it pop? Is it EDM? Nobody knows, least of all the husky-voiced (there's a theme this year kids) Mei Finegold. 3/10
34th - Hersi (Albania) with One Night's Anger
Hersi is a rather talented singer. Albania decide to channel the spirit of Evanescence, all ANGRY GOTH/SYMPHONIC METAL RIFFS and FUCK YEAH GUITAR SOLOS. The result is decent but it's never gonna win DancePopOVision. 6/10
33rd - Axel Hirsoux (Belgium) with Mother
Firstly, Axel is a DUDE. Secondly, he's a dude with a SERIOUSLY FUCKING GOOD VOICE. Thirdly, OPERATIC NONSENSE HAS NO PLACE AT EUROVISION, BELGIUM. NO. PLACE. 3/10
32nd - Aarzemnieki (Latvia) with Cake To Bake
I think they're joking. I hope they're joking. 1/10. (Unless they're joking. In which case, 1.1/10.)
31st - Tijana (Macedonia) with To The Sky
David Guetta outsources his rich, expansive dance production style to somebody with absolutely zero talent whatsoever. Nothing at all happens whatsoever in three minutes which is a fucking achievement in itself for a dance music track. 0/10
30th - Can-Linn ft. Kasey Smith (Ireland) with Heartbeat
HEY LOOK WE ARE IRISH AND WE USED TRADITIONAL IRISH INSTRUMENTS WE ARE TRULY IRISH CELTIC IRISH IRISH but we drowned them out with huge drony synthesiser chords and PHAT KLUB BEATZ so you can't hear them oh well. 2/10
29th - Tanja (Estonia) with Amazing
Wins the award of Biggest Song Misnomer At Eurovision this year. Still, Tanja is an amazing singer, one of the best in the competition in my view, so three bonus points for that. 3/10
28th - Vilija (Lithuania) with Attention
You got it for about an eighth of a second, then lost it forever. The obsession with WOW LOUD EDM SYNTH CHORDS WOOWWWWW is wearing very thin. 0/10
27th - Suzy (Portugal) with Quero Ser Tua
Bouncy fun dancepop WITH AN ACCORDION. DANCE MUSIC. WITH AN ACCORDION. 5/10
26th - TWIN TWIN (France) with Moustache
Merde. -12/10
25th - Tinkara Kovac (Slovenia) with Round And Round
FLUTE SOLO!!! YEAH!!! Followed by......um....... 3/10
24th - Valentina Monetta (San Marino) with Maybe
Starts off nice as a sombre piano ballad but then it remembers HEY IT'S EUROVISION and in come the sweeping strings and DEEP EDM BEATZ YO. Not completely shit but still pretty shit. 4/10
23rd - Firelight (Malta) with Coming Home
I WILL WAIT I WILL WAIT FOR YOU to vote for this thinking it's Mumford and Sons. A decent stab at neo-folk with some enchanting (and magnificent) vocal performances. One of the better songs in the whole contest and rollicking good fun. 7/10
22nd - Dilara Kazimova (Azerbaijan) with Start A Fire
Another example of stunning voice, lame song. The arrangement is melodramatic, and really their best bet would have been to let Dilara sing a capella because HOLY CRAP SHE IS GOOD. 5/10
21st - Emma (Italy) with La mia citta
It's a pop rock song for thirty seconds, just long enough to get you interested, before BAM! You cop a load of creamy EDM SYNTH in the face and the song is ruined beyond redemption. 3.5/10
20th - Freaky Fortune ft RiskyKidd (Greece) with Rise Up
Nobody's rising up at this piece of shit. 2/10
19th - Sergej Cetkovic (Montenegro) with Moj svijet
You're a smooth motherfucker, Sergej, I'll give you that, crooning your way through this tender, mildly folky ballad. 5/10
There you have it, kids. Part One completed. Stay tuned for Part 2 which is supposed to have the best songs in it.
But this is Eurovision and that never happens.
But this is Eurovision and that never happens.
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