The Eurovision Song Contest 2014
Super Special Part Two
A few days ago, I reviewed the first half of this year's Eurovision Song Contest. One of the notable things about the rejected songs and the shockers that do fail badly in the final is that they are either surprisingly good, or utterly terrible. There also tends to be, as the contest goes on and gets towards the winner, less utterly crap songs and more schlocky, bog standard trashy Europop, and it invariably all ends up sounding much the same.
Was 2014 different? Will this be a year where the top ten songs are all high quality jams, full of amazing hooks and melodic mastery? Or will we get shit like this? Let's find out.
The Songs and Verdicts and General Observations
18th - Elaiza (Germany) with Is It Right
Decidedly not shit neofolk with typical pop structures and hooks. The use of traditional instruments is good, and not in an Ireland type DROWN IT OUT kind of way. 5/10
17th - Molly (United Kingdom) with Children of the Universe
So string. Very anthem. Much grandiose. NOT WOW. Get your own anthemic chant without ripping off John Lennon. Three minutes of cliche jammed up the wazoo. 4/10
16th - Teo (Belarus) with Cheesecake
Teo does not want to be cheesecake. Therefore he is leaving his relationship due to his desire not to be cheesecake. It's like something Paolo Nutini would write if he suddenly became a completely talentless hack. 3/10
15th - Pollaponk (Iceland) with No Prejudice
Its light skatepunk influences are decent, though for the most part it's closer to fun Smashmouth type 90s rock radio. The inclusion of porn guitar is an absolute winner. Catchy stuff from the Anti-Hives and one of the standout tracks of Eurovision 2014. 7/10
14th - Donatan and Cleo (Poland) with We Are Slavic
Vomitous tuneless bile that needed a milkmaid with E-cups suggestively working a butter churn (by 'suggestively' I mean 'she looked like she was lasciviously wanking you off') to gain any votes from Europe. That this finished 14th is both an affront to music and a tribute to the power of hot blondes with big boobs dressed as milkmaids. Fucking terrible "music". 0/10
13th - Sebalter (Switzerland) with Hunter of Stars
In a Eurovision full of lame neofolkpop, it takes something extraordinarily terrible to be considered the shittiest lame neofolkpop. Stop fucking whistling and let the violin player play some more, because the violin solo is INFUCKINGSANE. 2/10
12th - Paula Seving and Ovi (Romania) with Miracle
Far from the worst EURODANCEPOPMEGACHORUSHOOK song that's ever been in Eurovision. Manages to pump out that trashy electropop sound that only Eurovision can manage while maintaining melody and a decent hook. One bonus point for an effective key change. 5.5/10
11th - Softengine (Finland) with Something Better
BEHOLD as some dudes from Finland blatantly steal Panic at the Disco's emo themes and sounds. It would be okay if it wasn't TOO FUCKING LOUD, so loud that it obliterates any kind of musical nuance. Disappointing as it had potential to be decent. 4/10
10th - Ruth Lorenzo (Spain) with Dancing in the Rain
A bit like the Romanian entry, it's anthemic booming Eurosynthpop albeit with a slower tempo and a mournful piano entree. Unlike the Romanian entry it has no energy or bounce whatsoever. Good voice though. 5/10
9th - Basim (Denmark) with Cliche Love Song
Look no further for lyrical mastery than this song ("Shoobiedoobiedopbop/Badoobiedawopbop/I love you"). Pleasant radiofriendly pop but hardly memorable. 5.5/10
8th - Carl Espen (Norway) with Silent Storm
Emotionally wrenching music with over-reverberated lyrics and minimalist sad sweeping piano arrangements. At least it is until Phil Spector's Norwegian cousin Olaf kicks in with a MASSIVE WALL OF STRINGS that somehow don't manage to make the song anything other than totally boring. 3.5/10
7th - Tolmachevy Sisters (Russia) with Shine
In the words of Europe: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Like most songs today, it is so boring it evokes no feeling. Even outright hatred seems like too much effort for this bland, forgettable dirge. Though Europe, it appears, disagree (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). 2/10
6th - Mariya Yaremchuk (Ukraine) with Tick-Tock
The performance featured a man dancing in a hamster wheel. Why? Fuck knows. Maybe it's an allegory for the Ukrainian political crisis. Or alternatively the Ukraine realised they needed something to distract from the cookie-cutter cliche pop lyrics and equally cliched production. 3/10
5th - Andras Kallay-Saunders (Hungary) with Running
Sure, the dude thinks he's Craig David, and he's got a really smooth, soulful voice; in fact I think he's probably better than singing the fifth place Eurovision song. Unfortunately the song he's singing doesn't quite measure up, even if it's a creditable effort to actually implement changing dynamics by shifting between emotional balladry and pumping dance tune. Far from the worst tune. 6.5/10
4th - Aram MP3 (Armenia) with Not Alone
Rubbish lyrics and FUCKING STUPID FUCKING DUBSTEP SHIT aside, buried under the crappy dubstep is a rather subtle pop ballad with actual attention and care paid to its composition. The dynamic shift from ballad to DUBSTEP WOOO is slow, careful and builds tension well, as the synths, strings and horns add to each other like a wave. Got a great vocal too. A worthy Top 5 tune. 6/10
And now, the Top 3...........
3rd - Sanna Nielsen (Sweden) with Undo
A boring, repetitive and ultimately safe Eurovision tune. It's perfect for Eurovision though, because it is safe, grand pop that is magnificently sung by the talented Nielsen. Compared to the two previous songs that at least took a few risks, it is dull and lifeless. 4/10
2nd - The Common Linnets (Netherlands) with Calm After The Storm
Times must be tough for Angus and Julia Stone if they are now pretending to be Dutch and foisting their crap brand of lame acoustofolk on the world.
What do you mean it's not Angus and Julia Stone? 4/10
And....at number 1.....THE WINNER WAS.....
Conchita Wurst (Austria) with Rise Like A Phoenix
Do me a favour. Listen to this song, but close your eyes. Picture naked female silhouettes swimming out of silhouetted guns and doing the breaststroke in between the words "SEAN" and "CONNERY".
Why?
It's a Bond theme. Listen to the overly dramatic, theatrical strings, horns and soaring vocals and tell me this DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A BOND THEME.
It's a worthy winner though. 6/10
So there you have it, the 37 songs from Eurovision 2014 reviewed and rated. All that's really left to say is that JAMES BOND EUROVISION WILL RETURN IN 2015.
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