Album #31 : Aqua - Aquarium

Aqua

Aquarium (1997)

In the closing years of my secondary schooling, I started occasionally attending somewhat informal social gatherings (or 'parties', if you will). These parties were usually somewhat humourous affairs rendered mentally disturbing at the array of musical filth that would be pored forth. While I was at home with the collected works of Led Zeppelin, these social gatherings would feature the latest in crudpop.

Such as Aqua. These Danish (not Norwegian, as I said in my Kanye West review yesterday) popsters were responsible for the bombardment of the airwaves with their...um..."unique" brand of infectious Eurobubbledancepop. I'm pretty sure every person in the Western world my age is uncomfortably familiar with Barbie Girl and Doctor Jones, for example.

Frankly their output made me vomit.

So it is with some trepidation that I am closing out the month of January with a review of their first album (YES THESE PEOPLE HAVE RELEASED MORE THAN ONE ALBUM), Aquarium. I am doing this because it was requested by a Facebook friend, who subsequently tried to back out. NO CHANCE.

Considering the front cover is cheap and nasty, I hold out little hope for the contents. But I've committed to reviewing objectively, so chant it with me : "stay open-minded, stay open-minded, stay open-minded...."

The Album

How do I put this nicely?

Rare is the person who watches Eurovision thinking, "Tonight I am going to witness the finest in pop songsmithery."

People are more thinking, "TROLLOLOL EUROPOP IS LAME LET US HAVE A MIGHTY FINE LAUGH."

There's Aquarium in a nutshell. This album is an exercise in cliched, cheesy, mindless Eurobubbledancepopshit. You know those songs - pumped up drum and bass with craptacular BIP BIP BIP synth melodies, and lyrics that were penned by an emaciated, starving sloth desperately trying to eat the pen that was wedged into his mouth.

Basically, every bubblegum pop song on the album can be summed up using what I have termed the "Aqua formula"-

Shit lyrics + overproduced syrupy lead vocals * POINTLESS RAPPER DICKHEAD - talent - credibility + repetition * cheese = AQUA BUBBLEGUM DANCE POP SONG!

For the review's sake, here are brief reflections on all of the songs that follow the above formula on this album:

Happy Boys and Girls - Come back Ace of Base, all is forgiven.

My Oh My - If you were my king, I'd be your queen? WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENLIGHTENING UNDERSTANDING OF MONARCHIC STRUCTURE.

Barbie Girl - Somewhere in Denmark, a man is counting a massive pile of money because he wrote these lyrics. Suddenly climate change doesn't seem so bad.

Doctor Jones -  So you based your song on Indiana Jones then sang about being 'cured'. DUDES HE ISN’T THAT SORT OF DOCTOR. HE’S A DOCTOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY. THE ONLY THING HE CAN CURE YOU OF IS YOUR POSSESSION OF THE ARK OF THE COVENANT. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE BELLOQ.

Lollipop (Candyman) - What is a bountyland? Oh who cares hurry up and end.

Roses Are Red - I want to know where Rap Dude purchased his copy of 101 Sexual Metaphors That Suck Horribly because I doubt "come pick my roses" is referring to his well-stocked flower garden.

Calling You - Unless you're calling decent songwriters perhaps you should have your phone disconnected. Permanently.

There are however two songs on the album that eschew that formula and, as a result, are not complete and utter rhinoceros refuse. Turn Back Time and Be A Man do away with pretty much all of the elements in the Aqua formula (except shit lyrics, they're still there to a degree) and are consequently both pleasant enough, even if they are stock standard and by the numbers pop ballads. Singer Lena certainly has some singing chops and these can be heard when the producers aren't drowning her in syrupy noise. Also, when the songs aren't polluted by bowel-shaking bass, it allows the music some space to create a pleasing, subtle synth soundscape.

And that's all I have to say that's positive.

The Verdict

Better than Nickelback, at least. As humans, we should be forgetting that this album was ever made. If I never hear Aqua's "rapper" (and I use the term in its loosest possible sense) ever again in my life it will be too soon.

If you want pleasing, fun dance pop, go here. If you are looking for an experience that may see you charged by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity that you committed against yourself, listen to Aquarium.

My rating: *

Standout Track

Turn Back Time

(No, that was not a misprint. Track. Singular noun.)

Tomorrow, a brief recap of the first month of the LOAD Project, followed by the first (but probably not the last) appearance of Led Zeppelin.