SCENE 1
Earth stands in ruins, thousands of years into the future. Very little of human civilisation remains visible. An alien ship containing VERG, an alien archaeologist and expert on the music of the universe, and BLAZ, his student, lands amongst the rubble.
VERG: Ah, Earth. How I have waited for this day!
BLAZ: Why are we here, teacher?
VERG: We are here to survey Earth for relics of civilisation. Our research shows that intelligent life once flourished on this planet. Let's see what we can find.
The aliens exit the ship.
SCENE 2
VERG and BLAZ stand in a disused building. Its faint yellow and black paint scheme can still be glimpsed. BLAZ is holding a strange plastic case.
BLAZ: Teacher! Teacher! I have found something!
VERG: (excitedly) Let me see that!
Verg takes the plastic case and inspects it.
BLAZ: Well? What does it say?
VERG: If my knowledge of the ancient Earth inhabitants' language is correct, it says..."Nickelback. All The Right Reasons".
pause
BLAZ: What's a Nickelback?
VERG: Unknown. Let us open the case.
VERG opens the case and looks in amazement at the contents.
VERG: By the moons of Gwildor! It's a primitive data storage device! Earth people used to use these for the storage of music!
BLAZ: What is music?
VERG: A series of noises arranged in a pleasing manner using tools called "instruments" accompanied by verbal expressions.
BLAZ: Extraordinary!
VERG: We must get this back to the ship at once and listen to its contents!
The aliens exit.
SCENE 3
Inside the alien ship, VERG and BLAZ are sitting next to a computer. VERG loads in the disc retrieved from the case.
BLAZ: This is highly exciting!
VERG: Indeed! The first Earth music to be heard by our people....nay, the first music to be heard in thousands of years! What wonders does this simple disc contain? What message for the heavens and for the beings of the universe is within its utterings? What wisdom and knowledge did it impart to its listeners?
The aliens have a rather convenient technology for the purposes of the plot that allows them to listen to each track instantaneously and pass comment on it. The first song, Follow You Home, is played.
BLAZ: I'm confused.
VERG: Hmmm.
BLAZ: Why does he sound like his bodily waste disposal chute is heavily blocked?
VERG: You mean constipated?
BLAZ: Yeah!
BLAZ: Yeah!
VERG: Maybe he was. What I don't understand are the pointless lead guitar breaks.
BLAZ: And teacher! What were those words?
VERG: They're called 'lyrics'.
BLAZ: Why are they so ridiculously cliche-ridden and possibly about stalking?
Verg says nothing as Fight for All The Wrong Reasons plays.
Verg says nothing as Fight for All The Wrong Reasons plays.
VERG: Oh wow.
BLAZ: What?
VERG: Thinly veiled references to fellatio. Man they're SO FUCKING HARDCORE.
BLAZ: Sarcasm?
VERG: Sarcasm.
BLAZ: I feel sick. Can we stop, teacher? I don't think I can hear any more terrible Year 8 poetry set to blandly produced, soulless guitar music.
VERG: No. We must press on.
Photograph plays.
VERG: According to ancient Earth documents, this song was a top 10 hit in many countries, Blaz. That means a significant number of humans willingly exchanged items of value to have it in their possession.
BLAZ: (horrified) Barbarians. What manner of life form are we dealing with here, teacher? That would so willingly invite such horrors into their ears?
BLAZ: (horrified) Barbarians. What manner of life form are we dealing with here, teacher? That would so willingly invite such horrors into their ears?
VERG: I do not know. Surely this Kroeger fellow must be the worst lyric writer in human history. Either that or humans were inherently stupid. His feeble attempts to portray image-driven introspection into one's life surely were not attractive or interesting to these people?
BLAZ: And the music, teacher! It is devoid of feeling, of emotion! Were these humans not emotional creatures? Surely their art must reflect this?
BLAZ: And the music, teacher! It is devoid of feeling, of emotion! Were these humans not emotional creatures? Surely their art must reflect this?
VERG: (pauses) I cannot answer.
The album continues. Songs fly through, each more fucking pathetic and woeful than the last. Finally, the last song, Rockstar, plays. VERG and BLAZ sit stunned and mortified at the last 41 minutes, even though those minutes were compressed quite quickly due to their plot device technology.
BLAZ: I cannot describe what I have just heard.
VERG: That's odd. Usually bands don't put their worst song at the end.
BLAZ: I feel like I need to shower for centuries, teacher.
VERG: That is possibly the worst song I have heard in all my time as a music archaeologist.
BLAZ: Why, teacher? What possibly made that worse than the other ten crimes against the universe that we have just heard?
VERG: Firstly, the lyrics sound like they were written by a sixteen year old, masturbating furiously in his bedroom while reading Slash's autobiography and dreaming of some idealised musical world. The music itself is dreadful, not even mediocre, and his vocal delivery is fucking disgusting. I am offended that this Kroeger was permitted to record. Why, on the planet Argmon, he would have had his voice ripped from his very throat for such terrible vocalisations! It is not so much a song as it is a torture device. In fact I cannot be sure that what we have discovered is not some heinous tool used by humans to mentally destroy their enemies.
VERG: Firstly, the lyrics sound like they were written by a sixteen year old, masturbating furiously in his bedroom while reading Slash's autobiography and dreaming of some idealised musical world. The music itself is dreadful, not even mediocre, and his vocal delivery is fucking disgusting. I am offended that this Kroeger was permitted to record. Why, on the planet Argmon, he would have had his voice ripped from his very throat for such terrible vocalisations! It is not so much a song as it is a torture device. In fact I cannot be sure that what we have discovered is not some heinous tool used by humans to mentally destroy their enemies.
BLAZ: I don't understand why every song seems to be about what a hardass the Kroeger is, how he breaks into schools, is in jail, rides super fast cars and leads a mega-dangerous life.....
VERG: I believe we call that overcompensation, Blaz. Clearly this man's sex organ was so minute that he needed to write songs placing himself in some sort of fantasy land. Either that or he actually thinks that these lyrics have merit.
pause
BLAZ: No, I think he just has a small cock.
VERG: (laughing) You are indeed developing great wisdom! Come, Blaz. We must leave this place immediately.
BLAZ: Are we not going to search for more art, teacher?
VERG: The humans bought this....monstrosity (holds up the disc) in great numbers. I do not want to hear the art they didn't buy. And Blaz?
VERG: The humans bought this....monstrosity (holds up the disc) in great numbers. I do not want to hear the art they didn't buy. And Blaz?
BLAZ: Yes, teacher?
VERG: Destroy the CD. Prepare the Memory Wipe. I don't want to remember that this ever happened.
FIN
My rating: NO STARS. NONE. THIS IS THE WORST ALBUM I HAVE HEARD IN MY LIFE. THE. WORST. EVER.
Standout Tracks
You must be joking, surely?
Tomorrow I review something that isn't fucking Nickelback. It doesn't matter what it is, it can't be worse than this.
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